Hey, remember me? Remember when I blogged? Remember how I was like “Hey I’m in the middle of a divorce and life is a little bit hard but I’m totally still going to blog!” Remember how that was a well intentioned lie?
Well, I am back. For good this time. I have missed this thing. I feel like I have reached the light at the end of the tunnel, and the hard “get on my feet” season I have been going through is coming to a close. Not that being a single mother is all cupcakes and sunflowers, but things are much smoother now than they have been.
A quick update on me: I am working two jobs. One as a nanny a few days a week, which is fantastic because Micah can come with me. One as a bartender/server on the weekends, which is also fantastic because the people I work with are great, I get to socialize a bit, and it’s not really a “get-hammered-bar.” (“Hmm, a caregiver and then a bartender huh? Kinda opposite ends of the spectrum. That would make an interesting blog post.” Yes, yes it would.) Micah and I are in our own place, for about 5 months now. It is small and cute and perfect. I am back in school, which is great and stressful. I am not yet officially divorced, but will be in a little less than a month.
Overall, it’s smooth sailing. But, it took a long time to get to where I am right now. If you’ve ever gone through separation and divorce, you know that it is hard and sad. (If you’ve gotten divorced and did not feel it was hard or sad, I would love to meet you, and help you find a therapist.) It is almost like mourning a death. Even if the loved one was suffering greatly from a terminal illness, it is still sad when they are gone. You don’t sit around remembering the terminal illness, you remember the good things, before the sickness. And it is hard and sad.
But hard and sad are on their way out. Hope and happiness are in! But before we turn the page, leaving this long chapter behind us, I think it is only appropriate that I thank those that helped. I have been a needy, sad and tired woman who cries a lot these past 7 months. Not one of you has made me feel as pathetic as that sounds. I think the hardest obstacle to overcome in the aftermath of a failed marriage is the feeling that you are unlovable. To those who have loved me, I thank you.
Dear _____, I thank you…
Mom – For being my number one sounding board. The person I can go to for wisdom and advice. The person who will message me with verses to encourage me, who prays for me daily. Who sees how hard I try, and who is right there to give me a break when I need it. Who let me show up with a suitcase, and disrupt her “normal” when my “normal” was shattered. For letting me cry on her couch without judgment. For being my childcare, for spoiling her grandson. For the financial help she has given. For loving me.
Kevin – for letting me move in, without any hesitation. For looking for every opportunity to help me. For looking out for me and Micah. For filling in the handyman role that a single mom needs. For putting together and taking apart cribs, installing baby gates and assembling toddler swing sets. For being my childcare. For spoiling his grandson. For loving me like a father loves his daughter.
Andrea- For supporting me. For praying for me. For listening to me. For telling me it was ok to be done. For being my sounding board, for her advice. For letting me call her to cry, when it hurt too much to cry alone. For sharing my hurt. For making me laugh, harder than anyone else can. For letting me vent when I need to, for distracting me when I need it. For the financial support. For loving me.
Joe- For being a protective brother. For supporting me. For showing me, by his love for his beautiful fiancé, that I can still celebrate marriage. For loving me.
Grandma- For supporting me. For praying, harder than even I can pray, for me and Micah. For telling me I’m beautiful when I don’t see it. For understanding me. For spoiling her great-grandson. For loving me.
Dad and Kim- For supporting me. For meeting needs I was too tired to think about. For helping me get on my feet. For filling in as childcare. For taking Micah just to give me a rest. For their financial support. For inviting us to do fun things, which I desperately needed. For being a sounding board. For spoiling their grandson. For loving me.
Mal- For supporting me. For understanding me. For being the very best friend, who really listens. Who let me crash at her place when Micah was with his Dad, because she knew I couldn’t be alone. For letting me dominate the conversation. For letting me cry on her patio, without judgment. For watching Micah when I needed help. For loving him. For telling me I am not a failure. For reminding me why I made this decision, when I was too lost in grief to remember. For making me laugh more than I cried. For showing me that I can still celebrate marriage, by having me in her wedding. For loving me.
Amanda – For supporting me. For listening to me, really listening, like a best friend does. For literally holding me. For sound advice, for reassuring me. For being fun when I needed fun. For not thinking I am crazy when I laugh at it all. For getting me a job that I love. For being proud of me. For loving me.
Erin and Michelle – For supporting me. For telling me I am stuck with them. For still calling me “Aunt Caitlin.” For loving me.
Laura- For supporting me. For being a sounding board. For praying for me. For sending me verses. For letting me know when she thinks of me. For asking what I need, and meaning it. For loving sweet Moo. For loving me.
Micah- For being my reason. My reason to do better, when I don’t want to “do” at all. The reason I tried and the reason I stopped trying. For being pure joy. For greeting me each morning with an enthusiastic “Hi, Mama!” For cuddling with me. For being mischievous and keeping me on my toes. For making me laugh, every day, with your sweet silliness. For asking to sleep in mommy’s bed, every night, even though I (almost) always say no. For being so resilient, when your little world was turned upside down. For saying “Yay, Micah’s house!” when we walk through the door. For the rare, spontaneous kisses that I cherish. With you, I am content. I want for nothing, because I have you. For loving me.
There are many more of you who have prayed for me, offered help and been supportive and understanding throughout the past seven months. I appreciate all of you, so very much.
Friends love through all kinds of weather, and families stick together in all kinds of trouble
Proverbs 17:17 (The Message)